The big sleep

She’s sleeping now. As good a time as any for this.

She has a migraine. I think its her brain wanting to step out and go for a walk. As whimsical as they come. I want the world and I want it now.

I can see it now. A sliver of the pink stuff poking out of her ear. “Here I come, ready or not. She’s not going to miss me much anyway.”

It crawls out of her ear. Slowly gathering momentum. I can only sit above her and watch as the thing that used to be her brain comes slithering crawling twisting out. It’s somehow changed into a long thin pink fleshy rope. Like a tapeworm. Yeah, that’s right.

It slithers out finally. All twenty feet of it. Looks around. Crawls to the open window. Turns back for one last look.

“If I’m not back in a day tell her to get a new one”

It crawls out and is soon out of sight.

I almost ask, “How’s she going to wake up if you’re not around?” But it’s long gone and all I have left is its last words.

Get a new one.

I don’t think it’s coming back.

I don’t think I can get her a new one.

Luckily, I don’t think she’ll wake up.

You have all the freedom of speech you will ever need if you're selling. You'll have a bit of it if you're buying. But if you have an honest opinion on anything, we will drag you out, shove you down and kick your head in. Welcome to the largest democracy in the world. The state of the nation is appalling.

I've been sick since last night. A heavy head, a nose that won't stop running and a throat that won't stop itching.

The flies of Mumbai. They're everywhere. At work, in the smoking zone, feeding on the countless drops of coffee spilt by the faceless who have all of seven minutes to finish their coffee and smoke before listening to the next self involved white man. The flies surround my empty coffee cup. It's a fucking invasion.

Muslims can't buy a house in Bandra cause no one will sell to them. The ghettoisation of Mumbai seems unstoppable. Keep them in one corner, keep some in another corner and bury the rest beneath the grimy floorboards of this city and pretend they don't exist.

Playlist:
Anata - The Conductor's Departure
Gorefest - La Muerte
Sadus - Out For Blood
Cryptopsy - Once Was Not

of interruptions and commercial breaks

there is nothing more frustrating than to be interrupted by two cute precocious kids when you're eating out. NOTHING!

Galley Slaves

The acid is back. Big time. Burning me from the inside out. I think the countless cups of instant machine coffee have finally caught up with me.

The work force is being squeezed. Attrition has hit an all time high. Every negative cliche in every management book is being played out here. The galley slave model comes to mind. Easiest to apply. We're sailing a ship and the cruel heartless dictators onshore are weilding a whip that breaks skin and shatters teeth. We are the Galley Slaves. Faster now. Faster.


Here's what my girlfriend got me as an advance birthday gift.
(Sometimes there's nothing left to do but gloat)

Acid Bath - When the Kite String Pops.
Green Carnation - Light of Day, Day of Darkness.
Pungent Stench - Dirty Rhymes and Psycotronic Beats.
Carcass - Necroticism
Arch Enemy - Black Earth

Never a good shepard.

Crumbling Ash. Rolling out onto my chest. Singeing hair before trying to disappear. Nice to know you too.

Uniball Eye of the Mitsubishi Pencil Co. Ltd. writes really well on good quality paper. On cheap paper it blots.

I'm paranoid. I can hear my neighbours shouting 'Bhenchod! Madarchod!' venting their daily anger into the night. Their lights are always on at night. I keep thinking they're staying awake to catch me do something wrong.
Shame on you Aunty Guilt. SHAME.

Assasin Tongue

S, I wrote a random S and couldn't think of anything else. Scary.

Download City

I now know why so many people download music. I couldnt really understand it till now. Instant gratification. Tomorrow, thanks to the wonders of the internet and the generocity of a well meaning stranger, I will have the new Tool, Meshuggah and Scar Symmetry album. I've already planned what I want next. No more Planet M. No more credit card bills that cripple. The download beckons.
March into the Promised Land.

Ruminate

This whole metalcore thing works for a few bands. With God Forbid, it fucking works well. IV:The Constitution of Treason is one big motherfucker of an album.

Shabir ki jai ho! I lie at your feet in quiet admiration. You have surpassed yourself yet again. Fuck. Fuck. God Forbid fucking rocks. Damn.

Operation Mindcrime is a very special album. Spreading the disease, Revolution Calling, The Mission, Suite Sister Mary, just one awesome album. Now theres Operation Mindcrime 2. Very very very nicely produced.

The Gathering have a new album out.

Time to purge...

Angry. Work my butt off for 6 months and see an M.O. What the fuck! So fucking pissed off!! The last few days. Fucking M.O!

Ulver calms me down. I wanted to rant for a bit. Perdition City is like a sedative. Too good. See you later aligator.

2 good months

There's a strong feeling of discontent in our country right now. Don't remember the last time it felt like this. Booming economy or not, India's ordinary people are a discontented lot.

The death of Dr. Rajkumar was a sad bit of news I was at home the next day watching the news on the TV and people talking about why there was so much violence after he died. People at work couldnt understand it, "Why did they get so angry, I thought Bangalore people were educated..."
What nobody seems to get is that, like NTR in Andhra Pradesh and MGR in Tamil Nadu, Rajkumar made millions of Kannadigas proud. When he died his fans needed an outlet for their agression and they took it. Quite forcibly.

There's a broker sitting on the table behind me, strongarming a client to sell.
There are a dozen Bollywood types looking to act in/make or finance a film.
India vs. Pakistan has a few people enthralled but the world that makes this city go round is money.

There's a girl sitting on the table in front of me with her legs split wide open. Her friend tells her to close the gates. Embarrrased, a little shy, she crosses her legs. The man in front of her goes back to his cellphone.

Bombays been mostly good. The last 2 months especially so.
The company of friends and filter coffee is what i miss most.

I have'nt written this much since I moved here. "Sadness?" I hate it when people quote me lyrics of my favourite band and I don't rememeber it. Hate it, Hate hate, hate it!

I'm going to smoke some weed now. The weekend is here. 2 days too early. But who am I to complain? Tomorrow I'll go see Munich and maybe I'll even cheer on as agents of the Mossad claim bloody retribution.

2 men, look like they could be our next action superstars. Sipping on identical strawberry milkshakes with whipped cream on top. Somethings a little off. Somethings not quite right.

Did you watch Rang De Basanti? I loved it. I thought it was an accurate representation of my generation. Sit on our ass and complain about shit but dont move a muscle till things actually hit us head on. It worked as a halfway accurate depiction of the way we lead our apathetic lives rather than just as a case of celluloid patriotism.
But what do I know? I loved Zinda and V for Vendetta too.
Especially the domino scene. Fucking good.

(The strenuous labour of typing out this barely legible handwritten entry was undertaken by SleepyMaggie, the goddess of undeniable philanthropy.)

Playlist

Babylon Whores - Death Of The West
Part Goth, part garage rock and part doom metal, Death Of The West is a solid extreme metal album. Almost sounds like a dirtier Sentenced in parts and Taneli Jarva and Maniac join the band to handle backing vocal duties. The Whores rock.

Prong - Beg To Differ
Released a good 15 years ago, Beg To Differ still sounds pretty damn fresh. Prong was a band just way ahead of its time.

Nevermore - The Godless Endevour
This has been on repeat play for a while now. Politics ver. 2 ? Yes it is. Wit a little more melody this time around. Sell My Heart For Stones and Medicated Nation are just two of the great great songs on this disc.

Revolting Cocks - You Goddamn Son Of A Bitch (Live at the Metro)
Like a bastard child of Ministry and Front 242, this live album dances on the edge of chaos.

System Of A Down - Hypnotise
Finally SOAD release an album thats filled with kickass singalong tunes. The Faith No More touches are still there and I think Tankian prays every night at the altar of Patton but damn, they do this so well. Till there's a Faith No More re-union Hypnotise will do just fine.

In other news, my knees are killing me.

I feel like its time to update with a bizzarre random entry that has a certain sense of WTF about it. I can't. The bizarre, the random and the frequent sense of WTF that this city conjures puts everything i can come up with to shame. I'm living the bizzarre and random. Be it the one legged man hopping along on the last train back home every saturday or the unexplained dissapearence and reappearence of my Tv remote. WTF!

This Godless Endeavor kicks so much ass. I'm totally happy with the new Nevermore. More on that at some point in the future.

I hope to go back to Bangalore in November for a few days. That should be good. Although going to Bangalore for a holiday feels just a little wierd.

update

I feel like its time to update with a bizzarre random entry that has a certain sense of WTF about it. I can't. The bizarre, the random and the frequent sense of WTF that this city conjures puts everything i can come up with to shame. I'm living the bizzarre and random. Be it the one legged man hopping along on the last train back home every saturday or the unexplained dissapearence and reappearence of my Tv remote. WTF!

This Godless Endeavor kicks so much ass. I'm totally happy with the new Nevermore. More on that at some point in the future.

I hope to go back to Bangalore in November for a few days. That should be good. Although going to Bangalore for a holiday feels just a little wierd.

jump for joy

The reason I moved to Bombay.

A few hugged me and said, "Go get her!" Some wished me luck. Some thought I was a fool and some others said nothing at all. One even predicted marriage.

Falling in love has to be the bes thing ever. A brother might beat me on the head for saying this but it's true. It's been fucking spectacular. Lunatic grin. Can't stop. Fucking Metronome. I love her and I can't stop smiling.

"Jump For Joy"

fulfillment

She held me. Face down. On the narrow bed. She ran her fingers over my naked back. She tried to relax me for what was coming. Too stiff. I could not unclench. She was going to cut me. I knew it. She knew i. I just seemed like he right thing to do. Didn't stop me from being afraid. Her fingers felt like blades of grass. A part of me wished she would never stop. A part of me wanted to scream at her to stop. She tried to massage my shoulders. I would not yield. I begged her to put it off. I don't want to do this, I said. She looked at me. She shamed me with a smile. I knew I wanted it. I knew I was just scared.

She cut me.

And all I did was scream.

Now

kiss me. now. we will not talk of it. ever. jus kiss me. now !
i must feel you. inside me. i must.
know what you taste like. you cannot deprive me.
you cannot rob me of this. you cannot cheat me out of your sweet saliva
kiss me. now.

feed me. now. i will be your slave. just feed me.
now. you must. my stomach churns.
my heart. i cannot feel it beating. i must be alive. not for long now.
you cannot let me die. you cannot lay claim to apathy.
can't you see i'm starving ?
feed me. now.

kill me. now. i know you want to. just kill me. now.
you must. i do not want this. not anymore.
you mus not be scared. remember me for what i was.
fear is your enemy. i know you want to.
so, what do you have to be scared of ?
kill me. now.

update

Its been a month since I moved to Bombay, today. So far its been good. I survived the floods, changed jobs and am generally in a happy place.

The rains were unlike anything I've ever experienced before. I never thought I'd be scared of the rain but I am now. I actually had an easy time of it. It started raining at about 12 noon Tuesday and didn't stop. I spent the night at work, and left in the morning at about ten. It was only when I got home and turned on the news that I started seeing the horror stories. People walking home in chest deep water (some in neck deep water), people suffocating and drowning in their cars, people being washed away... the list of horrors is seemingly endless. They were still pulling out bodies from drains on Thursday morning and they're still doing that I guess.
The weather's clearing now and the city seems to be limping back to some level of normalcy.

I changed jobs. Yes Dear Diary, that was quick. I'm working for Barclays now in a proper banking process and I'm actually looking forward to going to work everyday. The money's pretty damn good too. Quite happy.

Current playlist:
Paradise Lost - Symbol Of Life
Skyclad - Irrational Anthems
Thin Lizzy - Bad Reputation
Scorn - Zander
Linda Perry - In Flight
Uriah Heep - Look At Yourself

the bombay groove

I landed in Bombay a week ago. Dear Diary, i would be lying if i said i did'nt miss Bangalore. Still, this was my decision and one i think i'll be quite happy with. Hell, I'm happier right now than i've been in a long long time so what the hell. This city has a groove to it. I feel incredibly lazy in the mornings when i'm at home but once i step out the momentum of the city carries me and then deposits me at my destination with no fuss at all.

What have I been upto lately ?

I went to see a bunch of Bombay bands. Helga's Fun Castle, Pin Drop Violence, Zero and Pentagram.

The Fun Castle was fucking awesome fun. rock n roll. Three songs stuck out from their set list. "SSG" (or "smoke some ganja") with its wonderfully catchy chorus, "The Marching Song" which live gets surprisingly heavy and the cheesy but very very catchy "Sometimes." Helga's Fun Castle also has an album out in a very nifty looking digipac. I totally enjoyed their set and and their CD. Fun rock n roll that sounds like a friendlier version of RATM mixed with the Offspring and maybe a little Men At Work too. Doesn't sound appealing but believe me, this band is a lot of fun.

Next up was PDV. First time i'm watching this band and they fucking destroyed. I was told later that this wasn't one of their best shows. PDV was like one big angry monster on stage. Awesome shit.

Next was Zero. I missed the beginning of their set, pre-occupied with watching hair being cut. It was a surreal experience and something I won't forget ever. Go to a rock show and watch hair being cut. Good fun. Zero, sadly were not. Zero without Warren is dull. Enough said.

Finally, it was time for Pentagram. A band i've come to loathe. Pretentious nonsense and they've been doing the same shit for so long its just not fun anymore. Blah. I think i left when the vocalist was singing "this is for my people..." Total blah.

The Fun Castle and PDV rocked. Zero was dull and Pentagram was a fucking pain. Still, Helga's Fun Castle and PDV made the evening and the show worth it.

slaughterhouse

So I take this knife. I cut you across your lower stomach. A long clean horizontal slash of the crimson kind. You look down to see the damage. One thin cut. Long but thin. The blood is only leaking. In tiny spurts. You look to counter. You look down. The trickle has become a flood. Your blood is running down your stomach. The thin cut is not so thin anymore. It has become a wide gaping cut. You can see your guts making their way out. This is when you’ll scream. When shock has finally worn off. And you screamed. Your guts were hanging now. Reaching the floor with a dull soft thud. Cut deeper than I thought. Still my orders are clear and this only makes it easier. I reach for your guts. Wrap your intestine round your throat. I strangle you. guts for stranglers. It holds well. It stretches. You’re eyes start to widen. You stop screaming. Too hard to breathe and scream. You try to breathe. Your eyes look like they’ll pop out any second now. There. Strangled with your own guts. How does it feel, friend ?

You’re awake again. Good. The rope must be tight. Don’t worry they’re for your own good. The chair’s hard too, I’ll bet. Well, it’s the only one I have. So then here’s the plan. I’m going to take this rod and beat you on the head with it. Two things have been asked of me. To give you a concussion or to make you bleed. Well. The thing is, how will I know if you have a concussion ? By the end of it, you’ll bleed and you’ll probably have a concussion. Useless to struggle. I wont kill you. I’m a professional. Maybe I can do it with just one blow. Yes, you can scream all you want.

Hello. How’re you today ? The wires ? That’s precisely why I’m here madam. To tell you…. no. To show you what the wires are for. You want to know right now ? Definitely. When I turn this little dial, the wires give you a little shock. A tiny little surge of electricity. I turn the dial a little more and I can give you an orgasm. Like that. Again ? careful madam. I’ve heard these things can be quite addictive. Very well. There. But then, as I push the dial further, pleasure turns to pain. Yes, like that. If I wanted, I could turn the dial all the way up and burn a black hole through your insides. Till your hair frizzled and your brain melted. To see smoke makes its way off your skin. To smell the rotting stench of your burnt body. I could burn you from the inside out. Yes. Like that.

Should have got my face mask. Place smells like a fucking slaughterhouse.

update

< style="font-family: arial;">Here’s an addendum to the Machine Head post I wrote a while back.

The album “ Through The Ashes Of Empires” is not old school in any way. Its modern metal. That’s the best description I can think of. Machine Head borrow a lot of ideas through this album but somehow also tap into the anger of Burn My Eyes. This album is getting better with every listen.

I saw this Japanese movie. Tokyo Decadence by Ryu Murakami. Not related to Haruki I guess but they could be brothers. Anyway, the movie. What’s it about? What are Japanese movies usually about? I have the no idea. The Japanese movies I watch have large amounts of gratuitous violence and perversities. I say this quite proudly. I scare me. Now if only I could stop smiling. Back to the movie though, its about loneliness. Its about Ai, A lonely little prostitute who specializes in S & M. Her meeting with a bunch of fucked up clients, existential angst and her lonely search for happiness. Its also about lots and lots of S & M and nudity. Like Arty Porn. The kind of porn you won’t have to whisper about at a wine tasting. “ Oh, I saw this lovely little Japanese movie. It was called Tokyo Decadence. It was stunning in its meaning and use of metaphors. Lots of nudity but almost Kafkaesque in its approach.”

"Really now ?”