RIP Leslie Nielsen

Thank you for the countless laughs. You will be missed.

It worries me when I update too frequently. Am I spending too much time over lunch at airlines? I'm hungry. My sweater smells of cigarettes. I need to buy flea powder for Ray. The new lesbian is awesome and the new Place of Skulls is really gay. Victor Griffin found christianity a while ago and decided to write an entire album about it. Irony? Maybe. Mostly just pathetic.

I feel like listening to Nocturnus suddenly. After years. Restless and irritated and feel like picking a fight just for the heck of it. It's also worrying that I've forgotten Powerpoint. This used to be my forte once upon a time and now its this alien tool that I sit and stare at for hours. I think I'm going to be stuck with work for a long while today. I hope I'm wrong. I want to head home and nap. Started on a UK mini series called Dead Set about a zombie epidemic set around a Big Brother tv show and it seems promising even if I'm not yet done with the first episode. Also another american show called In Treatment with Gabriel Byrne as a psychiatrist and each 20 minute episode has him with one patient. Its done really well and the first 15 minutes of episode 1 seemed very promising. Bit heavy and serious but very well acted and some 100 episodes already.

I'm a stoned jet fighter with a heart of gold

I've been having the same dream every night lately. I'm driving around in my car, a gigantic ksrtc bus cuts me off, then winds up climbing onto the divider and gets stuck. I look, point, laugh and drive on. Dream over. Freudian interpretations not required.

Here's someone I should have added to my list of IWILTF. The fact that I forgot then shames me but I saw her in an ad today and all my dormant schoolboy fantasies came back to life. Not to mention that she kind of looks like my English teacher from school. Damn.


What else is happening? Not much really. I feel a desperate need to bunk work tomorrow and sit and finish masterchef Australia season 2. Not healthy and not possible.

Before I take your leave, here's an unrated trailer for Hobo with a Shotgun. Rutger gives a speech and then its just total fucking mayhem.



... and i'm really mad and i'm really old.

Ghosts of the Midwinter Fires

Its been a while since I updated with anything approaching enthusiasm. I think the time has come to rectify that. After all, life seems mostly okay. Ignore all previously stated worries and move on.

There's a new Monster Magnet album and its really good. Like really really good. Like an easy 4 on 5, maybe 4.5. That alone should be reason to celebrate. One of my favourite bands that I'd kind of given up on is back and kicking ass. There's nothing on here like Bummer and the leads are very rare but that's the only problem I have with Mastermind. There's also a new Agalloch and Aborym that are rocking my world in totally different ways. The Aborym, first new album in 6 years is a very tame affair compared to the wall of sound and head fucking intensity of with no human intervention. Its catchy, groovy, at times melodic and even throws in some European techno. They've discarded the machine tools for a slightly more accessible sound and still sound killer. The new Agalloch, Marrow of the Spirit is a long solitary walk into a cold grey forest. The music exudes a certain sense of loneliness and despair that the band really hasn't hit since Pale Folklore. The neo folk bits are classic and the songs flow with a sense of purpose that was missing on Ashes against the Grain and this is the band's best in a while, which considering their awesome consistency is saying a lot.

On the other hand, the new Electric Wizard is a bit of a disappointment with its fuzzy underwhelming tone and bleak overall sound. There's very little difference between songs and overall sounds a bit rushed. Or maybe Oborne and crew just didn't smoke enough before writing this. Boring. The new Atheist ticks off all the right boxes and sounds good too but I feel like there's something missing here. The guitars sound nice and chunky, the bass is loud and the songs are quite groovy but feel is not happening. There's something missing in both these albums but not sure what yet.

In other news I am well and truly hooked on masterchef Australia. I decided to junk the tv in my room and so started to download episodes and now I stay up at night watching multiple episodes of a cooking show. Yesterday they brought back 3 of the older eliminated contestants and it left the top 7 and me fuming. So suddenly jimmy, peter and that bar tending chick are back. Wtf! And jimmy promptly makes a curry. Can this fellow cook anything apart from over spiced curries? I don't think so. Also, kind of hooked on Modern Family. The gay couple's really funny but the main men are the dad of those 3 little kids and the colombian 10 year old with the wisdom of the ancients and his big breasted mom doesn't hurt at all even if her voice and accent can grate after 15 minutes.

There was a brief moment of sunshine right now. I ran out to confirm its presence and it disappeared by the time I came back in. The rest of the day has been bleak, cold and wet.

The Coen brothers are remaking True Grit. With Jeff Bridges, Matt Damon and Josh Brolin. I know I've mentioned this previously but all I had then was a poster to go on. Now there are trailers and its going to kick ass. Matt Damon looks like an inspired bit of casting. I cant wait for christmas dammit.

Also, new Impaled Nazarene releasing in 2 days and still no leaks? O great interweb, what is wrong with thee? Where hast thine awesome power gone? Dammit!! Still, as far as teasers go, this is pretty awesome.


This Agalloch is beautiful and Marrow of the Spirit? What a fucking awesome album name. Are they post rock disguised as black-doom? Does it matter? Yes and no. This is one awesome album. It makes me want to sink into bed and hug myself. It has the potential to ruin perfectly good moods and enter into the subconscious where it'll spread till every thought is about being alone and no action is possible. I should turn it off but I can't, I can't, I can't.

Sitting in airlines on another cloudy day and updating blog when I should be working. It's okay though. The bills are paid and work can wait.I'm a little bit lost. I know I'm in a situation that will probably have pretty awful consequences sometime in the future but I won't quit it and get out and its become super easy to shrug and pretend like I have no control over it but I do. I could get out and a part of my brain that speaks for self preservation occasionally screams at me to get out but I simply don't want to. I'm going to bury my head in the sand and ignore the signs. This whole deal leaves me a bit bewildered and totally utterly without direction. I know what I should do but that's the last thing I want to do. How can something that makes me happier than I've ever been also completely get me down? There's a whole bunch of new experiences involved that leave me mostly confused, nervous and agitated.Things at home aren't making my life any easier. It feels like I'm constantly asked and expected to live up to some ideal and set of rules that people judge me on. If you don't have xyz by the time you're 31 then people might think you're a failure. If you're not heading towards a family of your own by then, the same people might think something's wrong with you. It really gets me down when they do the whole soft, "look, I'm being reasonable" voice to tell me shit they know I won't like. I wish people would leave me to my own devices. Honestly. It should be up to me whether I want to die alone or with a family to hold my hand. My choice and the consequences are something that only I'll have to deal with, either way. Just ranting now and probably not making much sense. Don't really feel like talking about anything else. Later I guess.

A short week. 3 days of work followed by the biggest festival of the year. Happy Diwali.
I turned 31 a while back. The entry that was supposed to mark my growing older was instead turned into an e mail, so here I am again. I think 31's left me with an ache in my bones and a perpetual fear of age. I woke up in a cold sweat last night with the number 31 flashing in my head in gigantic neon and induced a bout of sheer terror. Drama and exaggeration aside, 31 does make me feel older. Older than I felt with 30 which slid off me. 31 somehow seems more ominous. Like people are watching me now and I really have no excuse to fail at anything. I feel pressure. Its strange really. 21 was a whole lot more momentous but there wasn't any real pressure. Here, not much is going to change but I can feel some strange invisible pressure. I guess it comes down to growing old and how its finally started to suck a little bit.
In other news, I had a terrific birthday. It was the most fun I've had in years and I spent it with the only person I wanted to.

Their Hooves Carve Craters in the Earth

So what else? Woke up with a queasy stomach that seemed to be making butter of my insides. It hasn't gone yet. I should be working right now but can't really be bothered. Instead, I'm listening to the new fear factory and trying not to whine to you. Life is kind of complicated and nothing's ever easy. When I whine and complain being stoned makes perfect sense. If madness is the emergency exit, ganja's like leisurely taking the stairs and stopping at whatever floor you want, whenever you want.

I grazed my palm peeling coconuts in the morning and mommy, it burns.

I saw key largo again last night. Edward G. Is just such a perfect cowardly bully you hate him but you feel sorry for him too. Bogie's the reluctant hero and that's a role he pretty much patented and when Lauren Bacall comes on screen she just lights everything up. Probably my favourite Bogie movie but Bogie, Robinson and Bacall have all been better and acted in far greater movies. John Huston's made far better movies too but somehow Key Largo utterly captivates me everytime I watch it. Then I saw Lost in La Mancha again and that's one awesome documentary. I suppose you need to be familiar with Gilliam and his movies to appreciate this but its an insight into a true maverick genius. He sounds and looks like a total pain to work with but somehow his crew seems to worship him. Horrible manager, inspirational leader and probably the finest Gilliam movie he never made.

I'm leaving work early for a puja at home. Saying hi, hello, how are you to mom's 40 friends and running up and down pretending to be busy and strategically disappearing when its time to face God. Or maybe just sit in the last row and hope he doesn't ask me any tricky questions. I want to sleep as well at some point.

I wonder if Sachin will get a knighthood when he retires. I doubt it though. Goddamn monarchy. I wonder if Michael Clark will retire before Sachin does. Possible.

Thou has yet another album out. This is a collection of all their singles and splits from 2010 and while its kind of pointless its also Thou. I'm not sure why I love this band so much but I can spend an entire day listening to the band and reading the lyrics. It usually leaves me exhausted and curled up in a foetal position by the end of it but I think its worth it. Kind of like Swans and Today is the Day. Depressing but exhilarating. I finally got the Thou-Salome split from last year and it somehow didn't make me as happy as I thought it would. Just the sourcing was more fun. I also got Peasant on LP. The first anything by Thou that I heard. This should break the windows and rattle the doors when I finally get off my ass and hook my player to my speakers. Also, if anyone reading this can help me source acts of the unspeakable and to megatherion on LP I'd be eternally grateful and buy you all the coffee you can drink. By source I mean find for cheap, not e bay extortionist prices.

Knowledge asked me about setting milestones a while back. Where do I see myself at 35? Living in my own place with a garden and having the option of being idle whenever I feel like it. Simple plan. Probably too simple to ever achieve but a boy can dream, can he not?

That's all for now I think. Maybe more later but no time for everything I want to do and real life is intruding again.

i am the leviathan

Named after a particularly obscure rutger hauer movie about a dystopian society where the juggers are post apocalyptic sportsmen who play a brutal and violent version of ice hockey in the nuclear wastelands, this project with justin broadrick and bill laswell is everything you'd expect it to be and manages to throw in a few surprises as well. With help from dr. Israel on vocals and submerged for the beats, the album is at its core an electronic drum n bass exercise but coupled with Broadrick's guitar playing and Laswell's thick chunky bass the music takes on a whole new dimension. Broadrick's guitar playing brings to mind Godflesh and the punishing grooves that he patented with that seminal industrial act. The vocals of dr. israel go from rapping to spoken word and he's a cross between impassioned television broadcaster and end of days prophet. If I had the patience and time I'd give you a full review but for now this is pretty essential for broadrick fans and worth listening to if you like electronic music at all. Loads of new music over the weekend but the new kylesa sounds very good in promo form and the new intronaut might just be better than the last one. Madball has a new one too and they sound more like Pro-Pain than the last 2 Pro-Pain albums. The trick seems to be in just slightly slowing down their usual riffs. An actual fun album from Madball. Who would have thought. Wino's new album sounds like a bunch of tunes written when stoned. Maybe they sounded awesome then but the album's pretty fucking boring. The intronaut rhythm section bears a very close resemblance to reinert and malone. The clean vocals on the new one make them sound a bit cynic like too. Very cool album though.

A bird shat on me today and I was wearing my favourite shirt. It pissed me off for the rest of the day. The politicians of karnataka and my job and traffic and a friend also irritated me through no real fault of their own. I blame my sucky mood on that bird.

I'm spending a lot of time thinking. I don't like it at all.

salute to the jugger

Changing channels on the TV i saw a random Saurav Ganguly dismissal and knew exactly which match they were showing the highlights of and that it was from ten years ago. I don't remember what i had for dinner last night. Clutter clutter clutter.

blank

The smell of frying fish wafts down and entered my nostrils as I walk. Kaane fry happening somewhere. The streets of the village are deserted and the only other company on the road are a bunch of cows who seem to be out celebrating. One of them almost took my hand off but they seem generally to be in a good mood.

The rains have left the village and heat's been quick to reclaim its empire.

The weekend will be here shortly and my art of living class starts in a few hours. I hope to achieve some level of peace and calm after an hour of learning how to breathe.

I want more coffee but lunch needs to happen first.

I saw a particularly grim and gory movie called offspring yesterday. About a family of cave dwellers who occasionally come out to gather food for their family. Backwoods horror is generally a mean spirited grim genre and this movie is no different. May not be a Deliverance but in spite of looking amateurish the movie worked quite well. Not for the faint of heart or the delicate stomach.

I also saw Dust Devil again for the 8th time I think. There's something about this movie and the little things Stanley does to fuck with your head that is utterly captivating. Just one of those hypnotic movies. It has its flaws and its about 20 minutes too long but its still one of my favourite movies. Also, I'd like to be the projectionist in a drive in theatre in Namibia that shows bird with the crystal plumage and legend of the 7 golden vampires on a double bill. In another life I guess. I plan to watch hardware again over the weekend sometime. It has this hopeless feeling of dread and despair that's rare for a sci-fi and that hallucination scene is actually quite disturbing. Will let you know how it turns out obviously but with or without commentary? That is the question.

you mad fucker!

I think you're a special kind of crazy when you're a Khandige. Whether its manufacturing your own tv from scratch, deciding to ride 300km for your engagement or beating up your patient. A special, particularly tiresome kind of crazy. Sometimes I think I fit right in, other times I wish I didn't.

I spent the weekend in a green cloud floating somewhere over can't remember and don't give a fuck. It was refreshing and I felt free. I was tired of it by sunday night which was reassuring.

New seasons for community and 30 rock and both shows seem to be having re-starting trouble. Community took half a dozen shows to be consistent first time around and I'm hoping it'll be quicker this time. 30 rock's always been inconsistent so no biggie there. What's really surprising though is Outrageous Fortune which in its 6th season is still pretty strong. If memory serves, 3 was the weakest with everyone sleeping with everybody being the main storyline but since then things in the West household have been pretty interesting.

Been listening to loads of new music, most of it awesome. Saw some movies, most of it shit.

The predators movie was prime shit as was the nightmare remake. I did see one fun horror movie though in "tormented." A fun slasher movie where the killer is the soul of a tormented boy who's taking his revenge on the bullies who made his life hell. Also saw a single man which was just terrific to look at but annoyed me. Colin Firth was great in it though. Saw this movie called get him to the greek about a fading rockstar and his record label rep's attempt to get him to the greek theatre for a huge show blah blah. there are some great gags right through the movie but its too long. Also saw Sea of Dust with tom savini and this was one of the lamest, most horrible movies I've seen yet. I didn't feel like laughing when I saw this. Not like birdemic or alone in the dark. I just sat there amazed at the stupidity of it all. This movie deserves a seperate post but for now there's this one scene that's lifted from dusted devil. Homage if you will. In dust devil, its a pivotal moment. When the movie goes from some sort of serial killer western to some sort of horror occult western. The heroine has picked up a stranger who's hitch hiking and they're speeding along a deserted highway when the heroine who's driving sees the stranger standing outside on the road waiting for a ride. In sea of dust the hero's picked up a comatose girl who's possessed by a spirit and is riding a horse drawn carriage and as he's riding along a deserted forest path he seems himself standing by the side of the path. Fuck Sea of Dust. Dust Devil needs its own post. One of these days.

Why don't more bands worship fudge tunnel? Black Sun's new one sounds like an occasionally doomy tribute to Fudge Tunnel and made me want to listen to hate songs in e minor again. Great band. Black Sun's not bad either. The Crown has a new album too, some 7 years after deathrace kings I think. Its refreshing in its lack of modern chug and groove but there wasn't a single riff that made an impression. Not good. There's a band called Weapon from Canada who came out of Bangladesh originally and their new album is some of the most refreshing extreme metal I've heard in a long time. The band does an old school death thrash thing but wrapped up in a black metal vibe. They can riff, groove, write great songs and have a total asskicker of an album in "up from the devil's tomb." This shit really impressed me. The new enslaved pretty good. The only other albums I like are eld and bloodhemn. On this new one they sound totally massive but there's also one part where they sound like U2 and sometimes seem to be trying too hard to be progressive. The band is at its best when they're doing the bm thing though. That's when they're totally on and this new album has some classic enslaved happening. This black sun album is about 4 songs too long. "Life is hunger. You will starve." Fuck it.

Note to self: When in doubt, listen to Thou.

India take on Australia in a test series starting 1st of October. I'm looking forward to it and the second test is in Bangalore and I think I'm going to go on days 3 and 4. The last test match I saw at the stadium was also india australia. Sachin made a hundred, kumble took 5 wickets and india lost. I think mark waugh made a hundred too. Anyway, clarke, ponting and hussy I want to see.

El Festival de los Viajes

Epic Spaghetti Space Rock!

snacktualize it

its been a really good weekend. Home alone with drugs and a crazy kitten for company. Couple of friends also. And a particularly nice mushroom and baby corn in plum wine. That plum wine really was terrific. Very nice chaser. Now, sitting at home and wondering to myself if i really have to go to work tomorrow. I'm reminded of an ancient South Canara proverb.

I think I'm going to go get another cup of coffee.

The new fear factory's really impressed me. It's way better than they really have any right to be. It gets my seal of approval and you know that doesn't come cheap. More importantly Im going to be championing the cause of Weapon over the next few weeks or till I forget. Whatever comes first.

Anyway, i sat down thinking i had so much to say and then realised i had sweet diddly. later.

FEAR the chair leg of truth!

Airlines for lunch after what seems like ages. My quiet idyll shattered by two kids who are sharing the table and talking loudly about their troubles in college. Thank god for the I pod.

I'd like to take this time to address a very serious problem my village is facing. The idiot on the road. There are a whole lot of them who want to reach from point A to point B as quickly as they can. It doesn't really seem to matter that in their hurry they delay themselves and others. Case in point is Hosur road which has seen some road widening happening. Now one stretch of the road is significantly wider than the rest and the Bangalore idiot insists on speeding across the half ready road in his quest for shorter travel time. What the idiot's brain blocks from his vision is that the road narrows near the signal and idiot and non idiot alike are stuck in a monstrous bottle neck. Travel time that used to be 30 minutes at the worst of times can now last anywhere from 45 to 90 minutes. That's for a 4 km stretch. Sitting in my car and following lane discipline has become an arduous task that sets my blood to boil. Can the idiots not see what they're doing? Obviously not. I think its a deep rooted illness.

In other news, my birthday next month promises plenty. Yay!

In still other news the only forum I visit to puke my opinions is dead and slowly rotting away so I figure I may as well just stick to scrawling on you, dear diary. So what if your stretch marks obscure and cloud my words. I don't mind and neither should you. I've been in a slightly strange space where new sludge no longer gets me hard. I think it hit me when I heard Grief's ...and man will be the hunted and realised there hasn't been anything new in the genre in a long long time and most new bands are simply following the legends of the scene. There are exceptions of course. Thou continue to be legendary with a full length and split this year that ripped my face off, Rhino's just released what might become my favourite album this year although they had to change names and Howl put out a debut that just continues to grow on me. Fuck all that for a minute though. Right now the 3 albums that are constantly being played in my room, on my I pod and in my car are Killing Joke's Absolute Dissent, Stargazer's A Work for the Ages and Man's Gin's Smiling Dogs. All 3 albums have only one thing in common. They rule. Stargazer's brand of extreme metal is rough and ready and absolutely classy from start to finish with a bass player who plays like he thinks he's in Cynic. Killing Joke's absolute dissent is like a best of album with the band touching on all points of their varied discography and adding a bunch of new touches to the songs. Man's Gin is a dark, folky, mostly acoustic album that sounds like a stripped down degradation trip with immensely talented backing musicians. I'm boring myself with the name dropping. Later.

I'm hooked on master chef. Today, gay boy, tattooed rough neck and cute chick are up for elimination. I hope to get home before 9.

Still hooked on Outrageous Fortune and its season 6 and 10 episodes down and Cheryl's still in jail, wolf's moved Ugly Betty and the rest of the Wests are struggling along as best they can.
Also, RCB take on the Highveld lions today in what is a must win for both teams. After the heartbreak of the last game I'm hoping RCB kick some ass.

what you put into your head

A man knocked on my door today. He asked me if I was ready for salvation. I zapped him with my omega ray. What would you have done?

Ringworm, Dim Mak, Crisis, Pulling Teeth and Runemagick. All set and nothing to do. Today was long and tiring and i had to talk and converse and be social and it wasn't so bad. The mint and chocolate mousse was especially not bad.

Tomorrow's a holiday. They haven't sighted the moon yet but holiday anyway. I had lunch with a couple of really old friends and one not so old friend. It was very relaxing. Must do this more often.

Could have slept for a couple more hours, but no, phone calls and e mails and work on a Saturday morning. At least lunch plans got cancelled and I should be grateful for that. I guess.

What else is happening? A fair bit I think but nothing I want to write down here. Not till ive understood it anyway which might be never.

The end of the world starts in Serpentine Street.

southern beast with brimstone breath

Rhino went and changed their name to horn of the rhino and put another album out. I wouldn't have known if a friendly passer by hadn't mentioned it. I'm finally listening to it now and it's really good. There's also a new Death Angel and the first song has a totally classic thrash intro. Made me think of a post apocalyptic world with bikers and hot chicks but also Halford on a Harley. Abort.

The weekend was decent. The I key on my laptop is a little stuck and proving to be a pain. There's a cat and kitten that have adopted us. Kitkat and Ray. Pictures whenever.

Boring Sunday. Last few days of freedom. Not much happening right now but soon. Neil Marshall's new movie Centurion looks good in a Conan taken to Scotland via Rome kind of way. Finally got My Son, My Son, What Have Ye Done and hopefully it'll live up to my expectations. Also got Killer Inside Me and the new Futurama. Bumper Sunday.

Also, I think it's time to make a proper @))( list. Soon.

Okay, later.

a gas mask is haute couture in the summer of rage

not much happening really. alone at home for another 10 days or so and its mostly boring and dull. just re-started work and it makes me feel like taking a holiday again. There's a cat and her kitten that seem to be slowly adopting us and particularly the front garden and the mom loves bread for some reason. Today I found out that there's a large ginger tom that has adopted the terrace to sun bathe. He's huge and looks like he could be the dad but ran away before i even registered his presence.

In other news there's this band called Agrimonia that's giving me goose bumps. Mixing doom with crust and sludge and vaguely dissonant black metal riffing the band sounds like a darker more nihilistic Fall of Efrafa without the Neurosis like wall of sound. There's a couple of guys from Martyrdod on this and a chick on vocals that I would never have known about if not for metal archives. In other news, the new Kings of Frog Island is pretty damn solid. Still bluesy fuzzy stoner rock but with less of the QotSA sound and more of that laid back psychedelic feel they did so awesomely in the second half of II. In still other news, lots of kickass music but don't really feel like namedropping so will leave it for later.

Saw The Expendables, first day, second show and I went to the theatre with that much enthusiasm after ages and probably after Dark Night. The movie was great and watching it in the theatre really was the bomb. The first kill with Lundgren and his shotgun set the tone and right through you had references to older movies that the guys had made, personal references from Jet Li's height and Lundgren's addiction troubles to Randy Couture's cauliflower ears and a very cool scene with Willis and Arnold and some solid fight scenes made this total entertainment. The scene with Statham firing the gun from the plane, the fist fight between Sly and Stone Cold and Terry Crews' shotgun blasts in the climactic battle were awesome set pieces but the movie's just total timepass all the way through and even has a sad emotional scene for Mickey Rourke to do. Bring on The Expendables 2,3,4,5 and 6. I'll be right here. Till then, I'll just wait for Machete and Hobo with a Shotgun to quell my nonsense action needs.

There's a new Swans album out. It has some long ass name that I have a hard time remembering but essentially it's like the best bits of The Great Annihilator, Love of Life and We are Him coming together to make some of the finest music that Gira's ever put his name on. I miss Jarboe's voice but that's just nit picking on what might be the album of the year. Listen to it.

Till then, here's Shooter Jennings and Heirophant with Summer of Rage. Listen to this too.

here there be knowledge

Hello. Been a while since I came here but I didn't come to talk to you. You can go back to flashing your legs and corrupting the innocent.

For a while now I've been feeling this hard cold stone in my chest. Like something trapped under my ribs and digging into my lungs. A listless lethargic defeated feeling that I couldn't shake off. The few days I spent with you shook it off and then some. I'd forgotten what it felt like to just revel in the moment. To forget everything and exclude everything and just be happy. You made me remember it and made me realise how easy it is. I saw friends and it didn't matter because you were there. Wow. This is going to be disjointed and homosexual. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say but these few days were magical. Like the imaginarium. Or something. I'm happy.

I guess on the downside my routine feels even more ordinary and mundane. Like a placeholder for a spot in my life that should ideally have you and not endless cups of coffee and driving around in circles. My village feels empty and incomplete. Like something's missing and I miss you horribly. Waking up next to you, your skin touching mine and your arm over my leathery hide and our tongues ready to do battle. I miss you more now but I'm really happy too. I might still be manstruating but I'm not worrying about it. I love you. Thank you for letting me come and see you.

Srpski film

i got hold of a serbian film today. i plan to watch it over the weekend. thought you should know. just in case.

saturday evening choices and plans

i think there was a time when i would have reveled in a day like today. scaring the pants off a pathetic cowardly fuck was something i did for fun once upon a time and now it's this delicate job that requires planning and back up. Still worked and went off like clockwork but left me feeling a bit dirty and unhappy and alone. strange shit but then this weekend was always going to be weird.

sat down and finished season 5 of outrageous fortune and for the first time in 5 seasons it ended on a complete cliffhanger. pity, season 6 hasn't even started yet.

i'm not sure if i want to sit at home and continue feeling sad or go out and get smashed and feel sad. choices, choices.