Tuesday, January 18, 2005

I'm Alive

I have this sudden inexplicable urge to cut myself. I think I’m going insane. Not hurtling down but more like crawling inch by little inch into insanity. There’s nothing I can do to stop it. Nothing. I feel like a piece of driftwood except I know my destination. There’s nothing I can do to change direction. A feeling of complete helplessness.

The blood trickles down my stomach. A cut just below my left nipple. Cut myself and wonder if the rusty blade will infect me. I look down at the thin stream of blood in wonder and awe. I taste my blood. A little bitter a little woody. A little stale a little salty. Just like I thought it would be.

I lie stretched out on my bed. My wife sleeps unknowing. Dreams sweet dreams maybe. I haven’t felt this alive in years. I cut myself again. A tiny pansy little cut on my right shoulder. It bleeds. I bleed. I want to wake my wife up and shout at her, “Look. Look! I’m alive.” I put on some clothes and walk out the door.

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