Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Jess Franco's Snakewoman

Jess Franco is without a doubt the greatest exploitation film maker this world has ever seen. The man is a fucking machine and at 80 is still working on making movies. Snakewoman is Franco's effort from 2005 starring Fata Morgana and Carmen Montes in a movie that is classic Franco except for one glaring factor.

Morgana is a music company rep who comes to the home of a woman who shocked Europe in the 1930s with her bold and raunchy outlook on life. The woman, Oriana, is dead and Morgana wants to buy the rights to her body of work. Right from the opening scene with the drive, a speeding landscape, flamigoes and the weird fucking angle, you know this is a Franco movie. Morgana arrives at the place only to find it abandoned. She's talking to her boss on the phone for a bit before napping in the car while waiting for someone to turn up. What follows next is the most boring opening credit sequence ever with the Snakewoman (Carmen Montes) doing a slow and supposedly seductive dance where she basically moves her hips and butt in an incredibly stiff and forced manner. Erotic, this is not. Still, it is Franco and it is unintentionally hilarious and visually trippy. Morgana's character meets the Snakewoman in the most hilarious sequence ever where our Snakewoman jumps into Morgana's room and promptly writhes all over the floor in a naked frenzy. I guess Franco didn't have the budget for CGI but man, this Snakewoman is lame.

Anyway, the movie moves along at a merry pace with a woman who is clearly insane but also talks about being in love with the Snakewoman, a doctor who doubles up as a monk and spends half the film treating the mad woman and the other half chanting in Latin (especially when Morgana andCarmen Montes are doing their lesbo thing). There's a whole bunch of other stuff as well but most importantly, Morgana falls for the Snakewoman as well and the two proceed to get it on.

Snakewoman has been called a return to form for Franco by many of his fans and its easy to see why. There's a lot here that's vintage Franco from the long sequences with minimal dialogue where nothing happens, full frontal lesbian action and a plot that just about makes the minimum requirement as far as making sense goes. However, the one thing that I found unacceptable about Snakewoman was the women. Fata Morgana andCarmen Montes make for a very insipid couple of lesbians. Let's not even get to the mad woman who also has a scene with the Snakewoman because she is downright ugly. I mean, Lina Romay comes into the movie for 15 minutes as the hilariously named Dr. Van Helsing and is still cuter than all three of these women put together. In the opening scene where we're introduced to the Snakewoman its hard to tell if we're looking at the back of a guy or a girl. Could be either.

This is the man who gave us Soledad Miranda and now he's reduced to working with the likes of Morgana and Montes who are quite frankly boring and very unattractive. This is the main gripe with the movie. The other is that the actual lesbian scenes between the Snakewoman and Fata Morgana look very very fake, forced and really boring (and after Jesse Jane and Belladona's scene in Pirates 2 this really is utter shit).

Yes, in a lot of ways, this is vintage Franco but come on, whats the point of a Franco movie where the women are boring and downright plain? What do beautiful European women do these days anyway? Why are they not acting in Jess Franco movies?

This is for die hards only and even then I was quite disappointed.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

some more of this and a little more of that

It's incredibly quiet. I hear the occasional footstep. The soft clip-clop of rubber soles and the opening of doors. It's a lot darker here than I'm used to. No shadows. No beams of light. No distractions. If I close my eyes I might actually sleep. I don't like this room.

I went to my bakery in the afternoon. I like an egg puff and machine coffee at about 4. It's a part of my routine whenever I can get away with it. Anyway, last couple of times I've been there, there's been a group of 17 or 18 year olds shouting, laughing, having a good time and very obviously rolling. Different groups too. Then I find out it's common now and the uncle who runs the place was complaining about the boys. I felt very irritated that this was happening in my immediate area . Then I remembered and remembered some more. “Let the little stoners be.” Uncle smiled and started talking about Idukki. “In those days we didn't have all this rizla business you see...”

I intend to have an incredibly long and completely random blog update by the time I pass out.

I think this new The Chasm is quite brilliant.
Fuck! The Chasm is awesome. I'm not going to say that anymore. I'm only going to hope that the world will wake up to one of the trippiest death metal bands ever. New album's better than Spell and probably even better than Conjuration. Stoner death metal. Check this band out already. Yeah okay, one last sentence. This new album by The Chasm is fantastic. Definite top ten for the year. In fact, let's make a list dear diary. I love lists.

Napalm Death – Time Waits for No Slave

Giant Squid – The Ichthyologist
Anaal Nathrakh - In The Constellation Of The Black Widow

Los Natas - El Nuevo Orden De La Libertad

Code - Resplendent Grotesque
Coalesce - Ox
Madder Mortem – Eight Ways
Sacrifice – The Ones I Condemn
The Chasm – Farseeing the Paranormal Abysm

Minsk – With Echoes in the Movement of Stone

Cable – The Failed Convict
Fall of Efrafa – Inle
Wolves in the Throne Room – Black Cascade
Blut Aus Nord – Memoria Vetusta II - Dialogue with the Stars
Absu – Absu
Forsaken – After the Fall
Masters of Reality - Pine/ Cross Dover
Truckfighters - Mania
Vomitory - Carnage Euphoria

Kongh - Shadows of the Shapeless

More like a top 20 but with another 3 months to go that list is subject to change and I'm going to have to remove something to fit the Cobalt in.

Okay, lets name drop some more. The first two albums on that list are insane. Napalm makes me want to break stuff for 50 minutes and then Giant Squid makes me want to sit down in a corner and drift. Awesome by themselves but back to back is insane. I've also been tripping a lot on Farflung. Also, this band called Sula Bassana. Very trippy shit. This band called Men Eater that I'm listening to right now is also pretty good. I've had it for ages but never got round to it. Big booming bass, a creative drummer and big fucking guitars. Some sort of heavy, sludgy, melodic rock. I'm liking it.

I also heard this Finnish band called Katharina today. All girl d beat hardcore punk band. Quite good and really noisy . Then i find out they're all pissed off feminists and I was visualizing tattooed punk rock chicks with Mohawks and safety pins, They look like normal people. I was severely let down.

My fingers smell of Marlboros and so does my shirt. I got a few looks walking up. “You're poisoned,” they said. “What are you doing here?”
Where else would I go?

I really want a cat. Preferably a kitten with the potential for gluttony, sloth and pride in equal measure. I also really want another tattoo.

I saw a man sitting on the steps
Across the road, I was eating crepes
He was drinking black dog, beating a drum

I sensed entertainment waited for it to come
“The Mayans know!” he screamed
The world will end in 2012 it seems

Doomsday prophet, Mayan encyclopedia?
Or just a case of too much wikipedia.

I wish I had another cigarette.

I am stuck in a state of extreme laziness at the moment and am incapable of further thought or action. Farflung used to be a lot more trippy. When Science Fails has a very kraut rock feel to it. Chilled out at some extreme level. I want more rock right now but I think I should also try going to sleep.

Lets see what happens. Hungry. I'm prepared today. Don't go anywhere. I'll only be a couple of hours.

He looked at me like he knew me. Maybe I knew him. Wasn't sure. Couldn't really be bothered. He looked at me and I looked away. Made sure no eye contact happened. He walked on. I felt relieved till I realized he worked there. Chances are I would see him everyday. I think I did know him. Knew him well enough. I don't see him very often though so I'm good.

Amber Asylum
is really awesome when you're tripping your balls off and ready to pass out but I think it's even better when you're sober, bored and can't sleep. Autonomy Suite is just sublime. The whole album actually.

She asked me to kiss her goat.

I said no, I only kiss sheep.
It was the start of something wonderful.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Elation and Joy

I've been sleeping in my sister's room for a while now. While my room is otherwise unoccupied. It's given me a new perspective on the biggest menace to our fair city. We must ban autos before it is too late. I have a balcony now but it's pointless to sit there before 2am. Autos, dear diary, must go.

I was also stuck in front of one for about 10 minutes today. I felt like a stunt driver in Road Warrior. I almost went over the divider and almost hit a cow but the desire to get in front of this 3 wheeled smoke machine was just too great. When I finally went past him I felt elation and joy. This lasted till the next signal when the bastard caught up with me. Sputtering, belching thick clouds of gray smoke. I killed him and then set fire to his machine. The coffee tasted a lot better after that. Elation and Joy.

So if I could hit the asshole again I would but I think I've had enough violence for one day.

place holder

Friday, September 04, 2009

Hello dear Diary. It's me. Charlie Brown.

I hope that life will be all peaches and pink teddies one day.
Till then I'll make do with whatever I can get.

I fed monkeys strawberries today.
That was my highlight.
Unbelievably bold fuckers, these monkeys.

Day turned into shit soon after.

I think. Sometimes. Occasionally. In short horrifying bursts of clarity. I don't like it much.

I listen to More of Iron than Blood and I'm happy.

Bangalore police is getting sniffer dogs at the usual drunk driving checkpoints to sniff out narcotics.
I didn't think drugs were such a big problem in Bangalore.

I know I should be here but I wish I was there.