Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Jess Franco's Snakewoman

Jess Franco is without a doubt the greatest exploitation film maker this world has ever seen. The man is a fucking machine and at 80 is still working on making movies. Snakewoman is Franco's effort from 2005 starring Fata Morgana and Carmen Montes in a movie that is classic Franco except for one glaring factor.

Morgana is a music company rep who comes to the home of a woman who shocked Europe in the 1930s with her bold and raunchy outlook on life. The woman, Oriana, is dead and Morgana wants to buy the rights to her body of work. Right from the opening scene with the drive, a speeding landscape, flamigoes and the weird fucking angle, you know this is a Franco movie. Morgana arrives at the place only to find it abandoned. She's talking to her boss on the phone for a bit before napping in the car while waiting for someone to turn up. What follows next is the most boring opening credit sequence ever with the Snakewoman (Carmen Montes) doing a slow and supposedly seductive dance where she basically moves her hips and butt in an incredibly stiff and forced manner. Erotic, this is not. Still, it is Franco and it is unintentionally hilarious and visually trippy. Morgana's character meets the Snakewoman in the most hilarious sequence ever where our Snakewoman jumps into Morgana's room and promptly writhes all over the floor in a naked frenzy. I guess Franco didn't have the budget for CGI but man, this Snakewoman is lame.

Anyway, the movie moves along at a merry pace with a woman who is clearly insane but also talks about being in love with the Snakewoman, a doctor who doubles up as a monk and spends half the film treating the mad woman and the other half chanting in Latin (especially when Morgana andCarmen Montes are doing their lesbo thing). There's a whole bunch of other stuff as well but most importantly, Morgana falls for the Snakewoman as well and the two proceed to get it on.

Snakewoman has been called a return to form for Franco by many of his fans and its easy to see why. There's a lot here that's vintage Franco from the long sequences with minimal dialogue where nothing happens, full frontal lesbian action and a plot that just about makes the minimum requirement as far as making sense goes. However, the one thing that I found unacceptable about Snakewoman was the women. Fata Morgana andCarmen Montes make for a very insipid couple of lesbians. Let's not even get to the mad woman who also has a scene with the Snakewoman because she is downright ugly. I mean, Lina Romay comes into the movie for 15 minutes as the hilariously named Dr. Van Helsing and is still cuter than all three of these women put together. In the opening scene where we're introduced to the Snakewoman its hard to tell if we're looking at the back of a guy or a girl. Could be either.

This is the man who gave us Soledad Miranda and now he's reduced to working with the likes of Morgana and Montes who are quite frankly boring and very unattractive. This is the main gripe with the movie. The other is that the actual lesbian scenes between the Snakewoman and Fata Morgana look very very fake, forced and really boring (and after Jesse Jane and Belladona's scene in Pirates 2 this really is utter shit).

Yes, in a lot of ways, this is vintage Franco but come on, whats the point of a Franco movie where the women are boring and downright plain? What do beautiful European women do these days anyway? Why are they not acting in Jess Franco movies?

This is for die hards only and even then I was quite disappointed.

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