Sitting in airlines on another cloudy day and updating blog when I should be working. It's okay though. The bills are paid and work can wait.I'm a little bit lost. I know I'm in a situation that will probably have pretty awful consequences sometime in the future but I won't quit it and get out and its become super easy to shrug and pretend like I have no control over it but I do. I could get out and a part of my brain that speaks for self preservation occasionally screams at me to get out but I simply don't want to. I'm going to bury my head in the sand and ignore the signs. This whole deal leaves me a bit bewildered and totally utterly without direction. I know what I should do but that's the last thing I want to do. How can something that makes me happier than I've ever been also completely get me down? There's a whole bunch of new experiences involved that leave me mostly confused, nervous and agitated.Things at home aren't making my life any easier. It feels like I'm constantly asked and expected to live up to some ideal and set of rules that people judge me on. If you don't have xyz by the time you're 31 then people might think you're a failure. If you're not heading towards a family of your own by then, the same people might think something's wrong with you. It really gets me down when they do the whole soft, "look, I'm being reasonable" voice to tell me shit they know I won't like. I wish people would leave me to my own devices. Honestly. It should be up to me whether I want to die alone or with a family to hold my hand. My choice and the consequences are something that only I'll have to deal with, either way. Just ranting now and probably not making much sense. Don't really feel like talking about anything else. Later I guess.